Today’s another emotional roller-coaster ride. I can imagine someone coming to this blog and calling me a drama queen! Well, a lot of emotions are coming up for me in this (important!) week of the program, and I must deal with them.

I’ve been feeling antsy and anxious ever since I wrote my Day 14 post this morning. I walked to the store today. After a couple of blocks, I just wanted to run home! I know why I feel this way—I’m stepping outside my comfort zone. I’m getting myself unstuck from the place I’ve been stuck in for so many years.

As I bumbled about the kitchen preparing the taco-style salad and homemade black-bean soup that I planned, I felt incredibly anxious. As I assembled the salad, decided to put the salsa on the side (good call; I ended up not liking it), chopped the fresh cilantro and scallions that I love so much, fixed the glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon just the way I like it, I kept feeling that I didn’t deserve all the trouble. As I ate, I felt the same way. I had to make a response card that says, I DESERVE.

I’m so anxious it’s affecting my appetite. I couldn’t finish breakfast or lunch! At least I’m learning about my hunger signals.

This is what happens in Cognitive Therapy. You start to change your thoughts and behaviors, you find out what your real issues are—quick. Then you can use CT techniques to work on them. Worthiness is definitely one of my issues.

So to all of you anti-drama-queens out there, I won’t keep torturing you like this. I will get better. I’m changing my life, and it’s not always pretty. I’m looking forward to going to the gym to blow off some of this steam.

Update: I’ve figured out what all this drama (i.e. negativity) is. It’s just another form of sabotaging thoughts. I can answer these thoughts back, both when they occur and with Response Cards.

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